Sunday, 6 December 2009

My Shell Of Normal

Well I have't spoken in a while. No, I didn't take a vow of silence, surprisingly, I've had very little to write about. In fact I find it hard to imagine how I came up with the last 50 posts.
I've noticed recently that I've been out of the loop on several occasions. Sometimes because people presume I know everything thats happening. I will point out that calling me on the night of the event to ask if I'm coming is probably a bit late. Generally I'll know somethings happening, but I refuse to go until someone mentions it to me personally.
When I was younger I wasn't in with a crowd. I knew everyone and talked to no one. It made things easier. But getting used to being in a group these days is still something I struggle with. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. There is not a single human being in existence that I feel completely comfortable with, who really knows who I am. I have to pretend to be interested in things I couldn't care less about, but that the whole worlds talking about.
What hurts the most though is knowing that every single time I've tried being myself around people, it's been thrown back in my face. Whether it be a simple, "Why would you think that?" to an "Oh my god this is so rubbish, why would you like it". So I hide in myself, and put up a shell that others perceive to be normal, and hope that soon I'll be able to be myself for good.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Childish Excitement

I laugh at how childish people become when it gets within the vicinity of their birthday. Mine happens to be in 11 days, and as with everyone else, I am childishly excited. And as my friends will tell you, I will not stop talking about it. For me the idea of getting a present is the best thing ever. Because it proves just how much people know you, and just how much they care.
When I was a little girl, I would stay up late, very late, and wait for my parents to quietly tip toe upstairs and lay my presents at the foot of my bed. I'm sure they knew I was awake, but never let on. I'd wait for another 10 minutes, wriggling in anticipation at ripping through the paper and gazing at what they'd got me. And then I'd shrug off my duvet at race to the end of the bed and grap at the closest paper wrapped item.
These days I guess you could say the novelty has worn off. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. For one, I get a good nights sleep on my birthday eve. But also, one of the best feelings I've only recently discovered in the last few years, is waking up on your birthday, slowing coming back into consciousness, and suddenly having a light bulb go off in your head saying "Oh my god, it's my birthday!". I cherish opening my presents now. First opening the card to build up the suspense, and then slowly peeling back each folded piece of the wrapping, until the present lies flat on the bed on paper in my lap.
If I'm honest, I'm very impatient, and for me 11 days is too long, but I know I have to wait. But just so you know. I will be (very sadly) counting down the days one by one.
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Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Renewed Confidence

Over the last few days I've discovered a confidence I never thought I had. The simplest things can make the biggest difference. New clothes, new freedom, new friends, and a change of scenery. You get a comforting feeling inside you, telling you it's ok to be you. Who cares if people judge you, because the people who like you for what you are the ones who are important. Starting fresh has been a lot easier than I thought. New people don't know your past. You can be whoever you want to be. Re-invent yourself completely. And for once I can be who I want to be. No more lying to fit in, no more saying I don't like things, just to conform. I am my own person. I'm me and I'm proud to be me!
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Sunday, 30 August 2009

Take A Step Back

Sometimes all you want to be able to do is skip forward a few months. Escape everything being thrown at you and just see blank. Often the things you're running from are new and unexpected, but sometimes they're the things you've held dear for so long. I find I no longer get the appreciation from those I did. And the people who I used to see so often, have found replacements for me the minute I'm out of reach.
The relationships that form behind your back can often be the hardest to except. Maybe because you never see them coming, or maybe because you never got a chance to step in. But the worst thing is knowing that any negative input, no matter how small, could result in you being on the other side of the wall.
As you get older it gets easier to a accept, but no one's immune to jealousy. Seeing you no longer belong in someone's picture can be hard to get over but you have to remember that you aren't the only person in their life, and they aren't the only one in yours.
Having someone mean the world to you is fine. But you can't let it rule your life. Taking a step back allows you to see other people in a different way. They may be closer to you than you thought. Mainly because you were so consumed with that one person that your mind failed to register the existence of anyone else.
Over the last couple of years the people around me have changed significantly. I've gained new friendships and some people who I thought I'd never forget, have just faded away. Meeting new people isn't a bad thing, but never forget the people that mean the most to you. Because at the end of it all. They're the ones that will be there to catch you when no one else will.
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Monday, 24 August 2009

My America Playlist

I was in America for 3 weeks this summer and listened to New England's WHOM Radio 94.9 pretty much the whole time I was there. It has the best playlist ever. Though I will admit, I was able to name a movie soundtrack that nearly every song was in. Anyhow, here's the playlist of a few of my favourites...

And if you don't have Spotify yet, get it, 'cause you need it!

New Pen!

Why is it so amazing to buy a new pen? It may just me, in which case you may as well stop reading this as you will think I'm unbelievably sad. But yes, I get extremely excited when I buy a new pen. I get home and immediately rip it out of it's packaging. And then I have quite the dilemma. Because I want to use it straight away, unfortunately I never have anything that needs writing at that moment. So I end up doodling all over the back of the cardboard packing it came in until you can no longer read the multi-lingo info on it. Which actually uses up about half the ink in the pen so defeats the point of buying the new pen in the first place!

Friday, 24 July 2009

Truly Missed

R.I.P Jess
I will always be thinking of you
11.05.1993 - 24.07.2009

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Brought Down From My High Horse

I've replayed the day over and over in my head. Trying so hard to make myself forget. But no matter how much I want to leave the memory behind, I can't stop thinking about it. The majority of my memories are for me, embarrassing, in that I was embarrassed when they happened. So I'm hoping that by writing this all down it will get it out of my head.
It was a few months back. I went skiing for the first time on a school trip. 5 days in Austria. The first 4 days were amazing. From my first baby slope, advancing up with the group to do blue runs. I was one of 4 girls in a group of about 10 people. All beginners. Although most were a bit apprehensive about going down a proper run, I was so excited. Speed has always been my weakness. I like going fast, whether it be sprinting, cycling, driving or skiing. My confidence helped me to improve faster than some of the other girls but I stayed near the back of the group to help my friend when ever she fell (Which was a lot). As the 5th day came to a close I was on cloud nine, so happy with the progress I'd made during the week. The beginners and intermediate groups had joined together for one last run down the mountain, a red run. My group hadn't done a red run yet so our teacher Maria chose only the people she thought were ready. Luckily I got chosen, but I was a bit nervous as it was a lot steeper than the blue runs we'd been doing. My friend I'd been helping wasn't chosen, so I had no one to go down with. We left the others, and set off down the slope. The higher group shot down the first part and were quickly out of site. I should point out that with all my confidence in the last 4 days, came a lot of crashes, and in a lot of them I would lose a ski. I'm not talking about it just popping off, I'm talking about losing it 200ft down the slope. And ever single time I had to walk down to get it. So yes I was helping my friend at the back, but it was also a safety precaution. I'd wait for everyone else to shoot off, and then go, to avoid harming others. So while going down the red slope, I was sort of cautious, ok, i was very cautious. I figured, if my ski flew 200ft down a blue run, it would go a lot of further down a red. So I wanted to avoid any crashes, which meant hammering down on speed, and over turning every turn, so I would go slightly back up the slope, to slow down. So you can guess what happened. I looked up 2 minutes down the slope, and there were no students in site. Not to say there wasn't anyone around. I was surrounded by Maria and about 4 teachers. There is nothing worse, than having 4 teachers all telling you you're doing so well, and to keep going, when you can tell all they want to be doing is bombing down the slope with the rest of the students. So hiding my shame, I kept going, concentrating on the task at hand and not making eye contact with anyone. My assumptions were correct and within a few minutes there was only Maria and 1 teacher left around me. Now this teacher I've always thought of as pretty damn cool, and no matter how much I tell my friends I hate him for various reasons, I can't deny he's an alright guy. So having him there as the only other person who spoke english didn't really help. Let me explain, it's hard having people there to watch you fail, but when it's people you want respect from, it's so much harder. So I struck up conversation with Maria. Anything to dissuade him from giving me demeaning appraisal. I made it down the slope about 10 minutes after everyone else(no joke) and I was completely humiliated. Luckily most people were engaged in conversation and were unaware of what they'd been waiting for. I thanked Maria so much for helping me down that slope. But I never thanked the teacher. I guess my pride prevented me from it. But on some levels I wish I had. He didn't desert me like the others, no matter how much he wanted to bomb down the slope. And he never made fun of me, which is surprising for him.
I know it sounds petty that this day could bother me so much, but I was so embarrassed that that teacher had seen me ski so badly. And maybe I shouldn't be. But it will still always bug me, that even though I thought I was a good first time skier. In truth, I honestly sucked. And maybe I needed to be brought down from my high horse.

Friday, 10 July 2009

No Patterns, No Rules.

Why do I analyze every little thing that happens around me? I try to give a rational reason for everything. Relationships, fall outs, arguments, friendships, love, hate. I spend so much time trying to make things fit into categories that I miss out on the fun stuff when it doesn't fit. Trying so hard to get inside people's heads can exhaust the hell out of you. And I know first hand. I see people as set objects, like robots. Programmed to follow certain guidelines, certain rules. When really, everyone is their own person. No matter how much I try to box them into little groups of similarity, no one will ever be the same as anyone else. I've spent days going over parts of my life, trying to find a reason for why I did something, or why something happened. When really, most of the time, there is no written reason, no true meaning printed somewhere in a book giving me an answer to why I made that decision. It did it because I did. That's the best, most honest answer I could ever give. Something happens because someone makes a decision to do something or say something. There are no patterns, no rules. Sometimes you just gotta accept that.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

The Right Choice

The Right Choice

The right choice
What is that?
Just something you must make
Out of what? I ask
Plastic, or clay?
Sometimes it's hard
To see the right choice
Blinded by pride
Or sadness perhaps
If we must we must
But I ask you
Only one thing
Should we be forced
To choose our own hell?

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Too Many Questions?

What happens when the last human dies? I know it sounds very depressing but I lay awake last night for like an hour thinking about it. It feels odd to think of all the planets orbiting the sun and nothing being there to witness it. Does something exist if no one's there to know it exists. The world will go on turning, the rain will keep falling and the grass will keep growing. But there'll be no one there to witness it. If we have an ice age, will people survive it? I may invest in a lot of wooly jumpers just in case. Is there life in another universe? I mean we are the only known life in this little piece of space, our own little universe, in our own little galaxy. But what about all the other galaxies. Are there worlds out there just like ours? Another earth. With countries, weather, people. Living under a different sun. With different schools and jobs and architecture. An earth with a different history? Who knows what happened in their past. Did they have kings? Or wars? How do they speak? And is there third world countries? I may ask too many questions. But it fascinates me just how little we know about what's out there. It's nice to know that all those dots in the sky, aren't just dots. They're a sign of hope, a hope that maybe, just maybe, life exists somewhere out there.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Everyone Meet Marble

Well havn't spoken in a while. Getting my fair share of lay ins and late nights. More than my fair share if I'm honest.
I've been up to a lot of thinking as well. About people, mainly the ones around me. There's been a lot of private drama going round and I seem to be stuck in all of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm only nosy when I have to be. But a lot of stuff has just happened at once and people seem to like talking to me about it. Which is good. Cause it keeps me up to date and it helps me know my friends better. But I'm only human like the rest of us, there's only so much I can take in. So in my view everyone should have their own way of dealing with life and everything it throws at you. Let me introduce you to my marble:

Now this spherical piece of glass has got me through some tough times. It helps me think and calms me down. People who knew me 5 years ago will know what I'm talking about when I say I can be one hell of a pain in the ass. I don't know when to stop but I never mean to hurt people. So this marble takes it out of me. Everything that bugs me or worries me goes into this thing. And I feel ok again. Some days I feel like beating on something, others I get so fidgety, nothing will make me stay still. When this happens, I sit and I hold my marble. Throw it around, do a few tricks. Just something about it that gets me and my thoughts back on track.
I just hope everyone has something like my marble to help them think straight. Sure can be a lot of help.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

No More Repeats

I need sleep so badly. 2 weeks of late nights, hours upon hours of revising, and early morning wake up calls. I'm grumpy, snappy, I can't seem to get on with anyone. I hate it. It's like I'm not me. Like something is leaching from my body. All my energy, my inner strength, is gone. My thoughts are slowly returning to me and for that I'm grateful. But it's like a child took me apart, stuck me back together again in the wrong order, and was left with a screw that just didn't seem to fit anywhere, when really it holds all of me together. I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat. All I can think about is how amazing this summer is going to be. Well, what it might be if I can pull myself together. I want to enjoy this summer for myself. I want to make time for my friends, not just have it readily available, I want to get things done, not leave a day without a purpose. What's more. I want to meet someone. Not in the romantic, destiny kind of way. I just want to meet someone new. The world around me at the moment is like a movie I've watched too many times. Everything's the same. Like a song on repeat. The lyrics get all too familiar. You know what they're going to say, but you dare yourself not to say it, hoping without reason that it might be different this time. I want to make something of this year. No more repeats.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Looking Across The Canyon Alternate Ending.

Looking Across The Canyon (Alternate Ending)

by Suz Richards

Jessie stood, staring blankly at the crowds of people as they hustled past. Leaning against the lockers, she tried to act casual. People passed, their faces holding blank expressions. Friendly voices were heard above the hum of conversations, but not a single word was sent her way. She didn't want this. Why did bad things always happen to her?

Her mind lapsed back to a time long forgotten, or at least she wished it was. The day was clear in her head, like a photograph. The keys were clenched in her fist. Her head was spinning. The flames filled the night air with black smoke, it burned her eyes as she scrambled over the wall into the woods. A root caught her foot and she cried out as she fell harshly onto the ground. A broken bottle bottle lay on the floor next to her, a piece of glass deeply imbedded in her arm. She struggled on away from the blaze, unable to look back. She knew the river, she knew the canyon. She headed along the familiar path. In the air, the sound of sirens wailed, causing her heart to thump somewhere in her throat.

She reached the clearing. The moonlight shining down onto her face. her breath raced out of her mouth, forming clouds of vapour in the night air. The depths of the canyon fell into the black below her. The faint smell of a campfire lingering in the leaves. She stood staring blankly into the abyss. She'd never thought about how it would end for her. Looking into it's dark depths her mind filled with images of heaven and hell. Where would she end up?

She shifted her feet as a rock gave out beneath her. She slipped, her body tipping over the edge. She yelped, her heart skipping a beat. She flipped through the air, free falling as the walls of rock rushed past her eyes, the gloom swallowed her.

Meanwhile in a small village at the bottom of the canyon...

"For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline!" James yelled as a stubborn delivery man stood holding a clip board in his outstretched hand, looking slightly irritated.

"Well you could of told me before I set it up". James was about to let rip a stream of profanities but something caught his attention in the sky. Something was falling from the cliff. The delivery man turned to glance at what had caught the guys attention. A girl fell screaming through the air, she was heading right for them. She plummeted quickly towards the ground. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable thud.

Jessie screamed until she ran out of breath. She shut her eyes, dreading what was to come next. Her body hit something, but instead of her crumpling, the surface molded to her. Then her body was being lifted up again, she left the surface and as quickly as she had fallen, shot back up through the air. She looked down. A trampoline? Is she dreaming? The cliff face fell away beneath her and she rose up over the canyon. Her feet dropping to land on solid ground. She collapsed to her knees, tears welling in her eyes.

"Jessie Smith?" A loud voice shouted. Glancing up she saw the flashing lights before she saw the men dressed in blue, guns at the ready.

"You're under arrest on attempt of property destruction and arson."

"Aw crap" she muttered

They helped her to her feet before cuffing her and placing her into the police car.

It had been 6 months since that night. She had done her time. They had told her she could go back to school. Like it was a privilege. She tried to return to normal, but nothing, or no one, was ever the same again.

Monday, 1 June 2009

R.I.P. Bisc

R.I.P. Bisc
Always Loved
Never Forgotten

Friday, 29 May 2009

The Convict

The Convict

He stood casting his gaze out over the rolling waves. His heart, once encaged, was now free to rule this vast ocean. An overwhelming calm slid over him as his body swayed with the swell of the sea. A familiar feeling he had not realised how much he missed. What lay ahead of him he did not know, but his first objective was merely to sail as far away as possible from this god forsaken land. The year was 1702.

The cliffs dropped away to the left of him. The rope around his wrists chafed his worn skin, a single line of blood trickling down his fingers before splashing on the tanned earth before him. He walked, head held high, as the guards marched him towards the ropes. A navy tradition at Port Esquivel, any man convicted of piracy was sentenced to hang on the cliffs, a warning to other pirates. Looking forward, the sight of past comrades, now just bones, sent a chill down his spine.

He was one of the best shooters in the south sea, a match to be reckoned with when it came to swordsmanship, but he had been caught out by the drink. One rum too many had given him no chance of fighting them off when they came for him. Fifteen men had raided the inn, swords brandished. The cuffs had been on him before he was even able to stand up. A night he would not easily forget. They didn’t treat pirates kindly round these parts. He was beaten to within an inch of his life, bruises painted his skin a tinge of purple and his bones ached with every move.

The noose came slowly over his head, tightening uncomfortably around his stiff neck. The rough material scratched at his skin as they moved him closer to the cliff edge, small rocks gave way beneath his feet as he lowered his gaze towards the now threatening waves. When dropped he would enter the water, the soldiers always took this precaution, just in case the neck didn’t break, the water would finish them. The sharp prick of a sword jabbed into his back. It was time. Might as well do it with dignity, he thought. Moving one foot precariously close to the edge, he leaned forward, allowing his body weight to take him over. The wind hit him in the face as he fell through the air, the rope tightening before jerking his head backwards. Pain shot through his neck and spine but he remained conscious. The water came up fast and the chill of it stung his skin. He cursed himself, why couldn’t his neck of broken, now he would suffer the longer process of drowning.

Under the water everything blurred into one, but a glint in the corner of his eye caused him to turn. A line of shining metal was propped against the rocks. He kicked out with his legs, inching his way towards it. His thoughts had been right! A rusted sword, lost in battle long ago. Reaching out he rubbed the bonds holding his wrists against it. Slowing the rope began to fray, finally giving way and loosening before falling to the sea floor. He grabbed the sword, flinging it upwards toward the noose. He let out the last of his breath just as his neck fell free. Quickly pushing off the rocks he swam towards the surface, the cold air filling his lungs as he gasped, the pain in his chest dissipating, replaced with a welcome first breath. Above him the guards’ shouts and yells merged with the crashing of the waves on the cliffs. He swung his arms through the water, heading along the coastline towards the port.

           Reaching the harbour he pulled himself up onto the shore. His heart told him to rest but his head insisted on moving. If he stayed too long the guards would arrive. A small frigate rose up in the water, unmanned but ready to go. Hauling himself up off the sand he staggered towards the ship, climbing clumsily up one of the rope ladders. Grabbing a knife from the cabin he hacked at the ropes, freeing the boat of it’s constrictions. The whole ship jolted as a wave hit the side. Raising the anchor, he allowed the wind to fill the sails as the ship moved slowly away from the port. Looking up he saw the guards rushing towards the shoreline. Yelling for him to stop. There was no way he was stopping now. He manoeuvred the ship around, glancing at it’s compass. He was headed due east, away from land. A smile crossed over his dry, cracked lips. He was free.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

No Sleep For The Restless

I can't sleep. It's 10 past 11 and I can't sleep. Something's keeping me up. It's like an emptiness in my head. I'm so bored. Every night, I lie in bed and I tell myself a story. As childish or immature as it sounds, it's always worked for me. Even after I read a book I still have to tell myself a story. Not so much tell, more like imagine. Some nights I follow on a story I've already started, and others it can be completely new. I've always struggled to find the perfect book. Something that I really enjoy reading over and over. For the record, I've never read a book more than once. I figure, once you know the story, you end up second guessing it the second time round. You could tell yourself it faster than reading it. So I imagine the stories that I'd want to read. You might be reading this thinking "Huh?". The next time you go to sleep. Try it. Think of your perfect story. The great thing is you can have who ever you want in it, and the plot can be whatever you want. If you don't like something you think of, you can just replay it in your head until it's right. Most nights I can do this no problem. But tonight. My heads empty. Like someone mentally mugged me.I can't will myself to think. I'm not tired. I don't want to sleep. Because I know if go to bed then I'll just lie there, thinking of nothing. Ok I need some inspiration, Google here I come. Night x

Friday, 22 May 2009

They Are The Seekers

They Are The Seekers

They are the seekers of fire
The hints of a spark
Like caffeine on the brain
Lighting their senses

They hunt it like wolves
Haunting alleys of shadow
Grouping as one
They are the seekers

No amount of flame
Will extinguish their thirst
They are at the mercy
Of their own desire

Throughout the night prowling
Never tiring or pausing
Stalking prey effortlessly
Relentless in the dark

Dawn break sees them vanish
Back into their caves
To regroup and rest
Ready for another hunt

Monday, 11 May 2009

I live in my head, is that odd to you?

I choose to live in my head because it's the one place I feel safe. I see the people that I want to see, and I'm in a place I want to be in. I can bring the people far away from me close enough to touch, and I can imagine them as I remember them best, not on their worst days.
Memories for me are hard to come by as just when I think I remember someone, I meet a completely different person in the same body. It's as if I only remember what I want to, not what's really there. I wish I had a better memory as many things are lost on me. And sometimes I built up my hopes for something which was never there in the first place. When I was a kid my family and I would go to America every other year to see my relatives. All my mums side are out there so there's about 30 people crammed into a house by Little Lake Sunapee for the summer break in New Hampshire. I love it there and it's like a second home, but for some reason it seems to be getting less homely every time I go there. To the point where I'm wondering if it was ever as good as I imagined it. There are less people there every year now, with people working, or having kids. It seems kind of empty. I miss the old days.
So some days I like to take some time out to remember the good parts of life before I forget them completly. I don't want to forget the times I spent at the lake and the people I laughed with. Even if it was so long ago.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Wasting Minutes

In the long run, is school all that important?
Recently I've had to make a lot of decisions about what college I'm going to, what courses I take, and what Uni course I'm planning on doing. Why is it so important?
Everyones making a big deal of the whole thing and if I'm honest, I couldn't care less. I don't want to decide what the rest of my life is like when I'm 16. I want to live for the unknown. People these days are so small minded. They can't see the bigger picture. Why would I spend every minute of every day studying to get pristine grades when I could go see the world. I hope to learn more from experiencing the real thing first hand, than by sitting in a class doodling on a scrap of paper while a dull professor rambles on.
For some people I know getting the grades is important, and I can sympathise. I used to be that way. But so many things in my life has changed the way I look at it. You don't know how long you're going to live for, and I'd rather live life as a lion for a day, than as a sloth for a lifetime( or something along those lines). There are so many people out there to meet and so many landscapes to be made speechless by. Why waste time staring at a textbook.
I want to be one of those people who is known for their knowledge of everything and anything. Some ones who's travelled, seen the world, learnt a lot, and not all out of a textbook. Where's the fun?
These days there's no fun in anything. You can't go down to your local chemist, pick up some chemicals and make explosions in your back garden. You can't scale ropes in gym class in case, heaven forbid, you should fall. A few bruises never hurt anyone. By being safe all the time your missing out on all the good stuff. People are scared of so many things, but only because they haven't experienced them. Most people scared of roller coasters have never sat in one. Most people scared of heights, often haven't been very high up. And people scared of spiders, in general, have never touched one. People are scared of getting hurt when the realism is that the chance of anything bad happening is miniscule. I always say try something once, and if its fun, do it again. But never say no to a new experience, because you cant judge something you've never tried.
I don't think there's a single person out there who hasn't been offered the chance to do something and turned it down, then a while later, get offered the same chance, and accepted, and found out they should have said yes the first time. Don't turn down what could be the rest of your life.

Why waste minutes when you could enjoy the seconds.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

I Won't Forget, I Can't Afford To

You never know how much you love something until you realise you might lose it forever.

3 days ago I noticed my mouse, Biscuit, had a lump on her side. We took her to the vets and they said she'd need to go into surgery to find out what it was. It was likely to be an absess from a cut but there was a risk it could be a tumour.

Today she went in for surgery and it turns out it was a tumour. She's back home but I can't introduce her to her sister Elvis for a week because of the stitches. My point is I've had them both for 6 months and up until a few days ago I didn't really pay much attention to them or hold them. But as soon as I saw the lump my mind went into guilt mode. I realised just how much time I'd wasted not taking care of them.

Last night I put my hand into the cage and Biscuit placed her front paws on my finger and I fell in love with her again instantly. I held her for a bit, trying but failing to make up for so much lost time. I put her back knowing there was a small chance I would never see her again. And I cried. People who know me will tell you that I don't cry... ever. But I couldn't help it. I wish I could go back and spend the last 6 months getting to know them better.

My worry is that the tumour is gone, but with mice you can't always count on the whole tumour being removed as they're so small. From now on I'm going to try to be with them as much as possible. I can't afford to take advantage of the time anymore, not after realising just how quickly they could be taken from me.


Friday, 17 April 2009

Respect In Small Ways

Why is it that no matter how hard we work to please someone, they're never happy? You can work your butt off for them, going out of you way to impress and yet still you never get their respect. They say small things can make a big difference, but they never specified how many small things it takes. You have to give respect to get it, right? But what if you give respect for no reason and still can't seem to get a second look. Everyone's lives revolve around what everyone else thinks. What they wear, what they say, how they act. What happened to just being yourself. I've noticed recently that sometimes the people you try to impress aren't the people worth impressing in the first place. Looking back, I've changed so much in the last few years just to fit into everyone else's life styles. It's only now that I've started lapsing back into who I really am. I'm realising that who I want to be isn't who I've become. I've said a lot of stupid things and done a lot of them too, but the only reason I did them in the first place is to fit in. Acting as myself people have treated me differently, in a good way. They may not have realised it themselves but going back on myself, it is the small things that have made a big difference. I've gained respect from the people I value most and it makes life all the more worth while. I now know that I don't have to change to enjoy the life I'm living, I just have to be me.

Monday, 6 April 2009

I Remember

I Remember

I remember the breeze
As it blew off the lake
The fluttering birds
And the noises they make
I remember the moon
Hanging there in the sky
The tree covered mountain
That grew up so high
I remember your face
On that warm sunny day
Your stunning blue eyes
That met mine of grey
I remember your hand
Wrapped around mine
The sound of your voice
Making everything fine
I remember the beat
That my heart seemed to skip
When your arm came to rest
On the curve of my hip
I remember the warmth
That surrounded my soul
When you whispered "I love you,
My only, my all"

Sunday, 5 April 2009

I Am The Grass

I Am The Grass

I am the grass beneath your feet
The blossoms that smell oh so sweet
I am the buzz of all the bees
The leaves that rustle in the breeze
I am the map that guides you back
Along the hard and weary track
I am the sun that lights your day
The things you always want to say
I am the love within your heart
The sadness when we have to part
I am the voice when you're alone
The siren call that brings you home.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Looking Across The Canyon

Looking Across The Canyon

by Suz Richards

She stood, staring blankly at the crowds of people as they hustled past. Leaning against the lockers, she tried to act casual. People passed, their faces holding blank expressions. Friendly voices were heard above the hum of conversations, but not a single word was sent her way. She didn't want this. Why did bad things always happen to her?

Her mind lapsed back to a time long forgotten, or at least she wished it was. The day was clear in her head, like a photograph. The keys were clenched in her fist. Her head was spinning. The flames filled the night air with black smoke, it burned her eyes as she scrambled over the wall into the woods. A root caught her foot and she cried out as she fell harshly onto the ground. A broken bottle bottle lay on the floor next to her, a piece of glass deeply imbedded in her arm. She struggled on away from the blaze, unable to look back. She knew the river, she knew the canyon. She headed along the familiar path. In the air, the sound of sirens wailed, causing her heart to thump somewhere in her throat.

She reached the clearing. The moonlight shining down onto her face. her breath raced out of her mouth, forming clouds of vapour in the night air. The depths of the canyon fell into the black below her. The faint smell of a campfire lingering in the leaves. She stood staring blankly into the abyss. She'd never thought about how it would end for her. Looking into it's dark depths her mind filled with images of heaven and hell. Where would she end up?

She shifted her feet as a rock gave out beneath her. She slipped, her body tipping over the edge. She yelped, her heart skipping a beat. She flipped through the air, free falling as the walls of rock rushed past her eyes, the gloom swallowed her. An echoing thud signaled her final breath.

Her body shuddered as an arm passed through her. The cold chill of the lockers no longer bothering her numb skin. Blank faces passed her as the corridor rush slowly thinned out. The eeriness of the empty hall echoing in her ears. She didn't want this. Why did bad things always happen to her?

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Butterflies And Dodgy Notes

   Singing in front of an audience has to be one of the most nerve wracking experiences life can throw at you. I can't understand why people would do it for a living.
   The first nerves hit you even before you begin. There's a sickly pain in the pit of your stomach, reminding you you shouldn't be doing this, even as you wake in the morning. Then it grows slowly as the hours pass. Until it reaches that time.
   As the first note chimes in your ears a dread appears in your mind asking you "Why are you doing this again?". Your head is searching for those all important first words. It locates them moments before they're needed. And then you let that breath that you've been holding in for so long, out, in a shaky melody that struggles to join with the tune.
   Your head clears of everything around you, and your mind becomes completely focussed on that one task. The odd dodgy notes knocks you, and you're forced to open your eyes to see if anyone has noticed. Before your mind suddenly remembers it's place.
   That last note falls out of your throat and into the room and you slowly become conscious of your surroundings. The final few strums of the guitar hold a complete silence from the audience before the sound of clapping reaches your ears. Deep down you know you're happy, they like it. But you're still annoyed at those few dodgy notes that got away.

Friday, 6 March 2009

Shrine Post: Gerard Butler

Well I've been asked by Roy to do a shrine post about someone, and so here it is:

Gerard Butler is in my eyes absolutely gorgeous. There is no flaw to this guy, he is perfection. He has the looks of an angel, the body of a beast and the makings of the best actor of all time. He's been in everything from 'Phantom Of The Opera' to 'P.S. I Love You'. This guy also has an amazing voice. It makes you melt inside. His Irish accent was heart capturing when he played Gerry in 'P.S. I Love You'. My favourite role of his was Terry Sheridan in 'Lara Croft:Cradle Of Life'. I do admire his acting skills but this is also one of the movies where his body definitely gets a look in(who can blame a girl). All in all he is the king of godliness.

In My Head Forever And Always
Love You Gerry

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Deep Blue Page Full Of White Dots

Have you ever layed on the grass and just stared at the sky. It has this indescribable calming effect. You're looking at this deep blue page full of white dots and it looks like it could just wrap the world up within itself. But to think that each one of those dots is bigger than anything we've ever witnessed, bigger than the entire world we live on. It becomes non-comprehendible. Like how small the atom is. 

In this world there are so many things we can't understand, not because we don't try to, but because our minds aren't made for thinking on such a grand scale. We have evolved as part of this world, we are just one species. We aren't the sole rulers because a ruler can control their world, and we are far from controlling it. Every time a hurricane sweeps through America's south coasts or an earthquake leaves thousands of miles of devastation. It shows us just how far out of control this world is. But that's the beauty of it, that no matter how unruly or disastrous the planet may seem, it's still here. Because even things that seem far from organised, can have the most logical reasoning.

I heard today that orangutans spend a longer time with their young than any other animal apart from humans. The baby stays with it's mother until it's around 7-8 years old before going out into the world alone. Humans on the other hand live with their parents till they're around 18. That's 10 years difference. We wonder why we are the most transformed species on earth, well here's your answer. We play too safe. People are so worried of getting hurt or ending up with no money, that they cling onto the comfort of their home for as long as possible. If we were to leave our parents at the tender age of 8 then I'm sure there'd probably be just as many humans as orangutans. We wouldn't have this population crisis, we'd be fitting in with the rest of the world like we were supposed to.

I always wonder what life would be like if some things hadn't been discovered, if there was no electricity or technology. Life was simpler before these things came along. People found happiness in conversation and the natural beauty of the world. I read a lot, and one book that has taken my fancy is 'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen. Not because of the handsome Darcy (Well maybe a bit), and not because of the cultured family life. What captured my imagination was the world in which they live. It's so different from the one we know today. To get to somewhere you simply walked across a few fields, these days the fields are surrounded by electric fence and the only way to get somewhere is by car.

I feel as though I was born a few centuries too late. My heart longs for the days of balls and etiquette. It seems so far from the life I'm in now. But I know time cannot rewind, so I do my best with the situation. Though many think me odd I choose to live my life differently to others. Closer to the ways of the past. Because I see it as the only way I can ever try to relive how they would have seen the world. Simple and elegant, where the world is still yet to be discovered.

Monday, 2 March 2009

That Girl Again

Well I've mentioned her before, but there's this girl named Miss Gemma May Twine, and she has to be one of the nicest people I have, and will, ever meet. Not only is she too damn pretty but she also has the most awesome personality. She's never without a smile on her face and I'll miss her a ton when we part ways.

I've known Gems for nearly 5 years now and though we've always been opposite sides of the pond(metaphorically) we've become good mates. No matter what the subject, whether it be boys, sports or just life in general she always seems to make me laugh. The number of jokes we've gone through over the years, be it love letters in english to a certain mister or the infamous eyebrow piercing discussion, there's always been something to smile at.

In her own blog she mentioned a lot about sports so I'll very quickly glance over it. She is one of the best, no wait, the best goal keeper I have ever known. She started as a tag along to my goal keeper training sessions and now she's the best keeper in Hampshire. Her saves are immense and her kicks... well.... we're working on it (sorry gems). To be honest she's amazing in all sports. Whether it be basketball, netball, badminton, rounders or frisbee. She has the muscles of a viking and the tactics of a general.

Though we've had our good times and our bad times, you've always been there Gems and I will luv ya as long as you live.

Never Forgotten And Always A Friend

Saturday, 28 February 2009

A Promise Is A Promise

I promised Gemma I would mention her in my blog, and a promise is a promise, so heres a few limericks about her
(I apoligise for the lack of imagination, I didn't have much time to prepare.)

There once was a girl called Gems
Who lived slightly south of the Thames.
When offered a biscuit
She said "I won't risk it,
I think I'll just eat M&Ms."

There once was a girl called Gemma
Who had an embarrassing dilemma
When talking to males
She nibbled her nails
But no one had courage to tell her.

A girl called Gems took a pill
Which made her exceedingly ill
She fainted in class
Hit her head on the glass
And started the school fire drill.

Happy Gems? Sorry they're not great, but I didn't have a clue what to write.

Friday, 27 February 2009

Nothing Is Insignificant

Why are people so prejudice to short people? Even if they say they aren't, the way they act says otherwise.

I'm not tall, or even average, I'm about 5 foot, and I'm happy to be. To be honest I could live my life quite happily without caring that I'm smaller than everyone else, if it wasn't for other people always commenting and taking the mick. Trust me, it gets old fast. You don't choose your height, it's born with you, it's in your genes, just like race, or sex.

The hard thing is that people don't realise just how different it is being short. You're forever being left out of conversations, as people tend to talk to the eyes that they can see. People who know me will now understand why I don't stop talking or giving them a nudge every now and then, it's just my way of staying in the conversation.

In a crowd most people will be able to see through the heads of others, and see either another person, or just the focus of the crowd. But for me, a crowd is like a box. It's cramped, the walls are way above my head, and I can't find an exit. No matter how hard I try my head is never going to reach the free air above me. The worst thing is people thinking they're being kind by offering to give you a piggy back. It's not kind, it's demeaning. It puts all the focus on you, even from complete strangers, and it makes you feel different, separated, as if you don't belong.

Many people will try to see the up sides to being short. Well for one, it's a lot less of a ways to fall, and you never have to pay attention to mind your head signs. In fact I see them as a challenge. You see a different perspective on life. Everything around you seems just that little bit bigger, and every mountain is that little bit taller. But it also allows you to see the things that others don't. While everyone's looking at the sky, I'm looking at the ground, the smaller things in life. I appreciate everything because to me nothing is insignificant. My life has taught me that nothing is too small, and that everything matters.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

I Am The Girl In The Crowd

I woke up this morning, and something felt different.

I couldn't quite explain it, I just felt good, about myself, my life and who I was. I looked in the mirror, and I didn't shy away. I've been in Austria for a week skiing and I made friends with people I thought I'd never even talk to.

I've said before that I hate change, as it never seems to be on my side, but at the moment my life is on the up, I wake up with a smile on my face and it won't shift. It's as if I've finally found comfort in who I am. I don't have to be a lie anymore. I'm happy to be the girl in the crowd, not the one on center stage.

I can't pin point the reason for the changes in my view on life, but I hope they stay, because at the moment, I don't want to be anyone but myself.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

One Short Moment

Today I learnt something. Maybe to most people it would seem insignificant, but to me it changed the way I viewed the world. In someone's life, there are the people who like them and the people who don't. Or at least that's what most people believe.
 But today I realised that there are no lists, no separations on who likes who. Recently, the people that I always thought despised me, are the people who are making an effort to talk to me, and the people I'd always held close are the ones that are drifting away.
Change has always been something I struggle with. I always seem to get comfy just as someone comes along and pulls the chair from beneath me. To everyone, I am the one with no problems. The one who stays calm despite the situation and the one who can never fall apart. Let's just say a turtle can't survive without it's shell.
I know my life can never stay the same, I know I can't pause my life in that summer years ago when I was a care free child, sitting by the lake, staring at the moon. 
But for once, even for just a short while, 

I'd like time to stand still. 

Just for one short moment.