Truly Missed

R.I.P Jess

xxx

I will always be thinking of you

xxx

11.05.1993 - 24.07.2009

Brought Down From My High Horse

I've replayed the day over and over in my head. Trying so hard to make myself forget. But no matter how much I want to leave the memory behind, I can't stop thinking about it. The majority of my memories are for me, embarrassing, in that I was embarrassed when they happened. So I'm hoping that by writing this all down it will get it out of my head.

It was a few months back. I went skiing for the first time on a school trip. 5 days in Austria. The first 4 days were amazing. From my first baby slope, advancing up with the group to do blue runs. I was one of 4 girls in a group of about 10 people. All beginners. Although most were a bit apprehensive about going down a proper run, I was so excited. Speed has always been my weakness. I like going fast, whether it be sprinting, cycling, driving or skiing. My confidence helped me to improve faster than some of the other girls but I stayed near the back of the group to help my friend when ever she fell (Which was a lot). As the 5th day came to a close I was on cloud nine, so happy with the progress I'd made during the week. The beginners and intermediate groups had joined together for one last run down the mountain, a red run. My group hadn't done a red run yet so our teacher Maria chose only the people she thought were ready. Luckily I got chosen, but I was a bit nervous as it was a lot steeper than the blue runs we'd been doing. My friend I'd been helping wasn't chosen, so I had no one to go down with. We left the others, and set off down the slope. The higher group shot down the first part and were quickly out of site. I should point out that with all my confidence in the last 4 days, came a lot of crashes, and in a lot of them I would lose a ski. I'm not talking about it just popping off, I'm talking about losing it 200ft down the slope. And ever single time I had to walk down to get it. So yes I was helping my friend at the back, but it was also a safety precaution. I'd wait for everyone else to shoot off, and then go, to avoid harming others. So while going down the red slope, I was sort of cautious, ok, i was very cautious. I figured, if my ski flew 200ft down a blue run, it would go a lot of further down a red. So I wanted to avoid any crashes, which meant hammering down on speed, and over turning every turn, so I would go slightly back up the slope, to slow down. So you can guess what happened. I looked up 2 minutes down the slope, and there were no students in site. Not to say there wasn't anyone around. I was surrounded by Maria and about 4 teachers. There is nothing worse, than having 4 teachers all telling you you're doing so well, and to keep going, when you can tell all they want to be doing is bombing down the slope with the rest of the students. So hiding my shame, I kept going, concentrating on the task at hand and not making eye contact with anyone. My assumptions were correct and within a few minutes there was only Maria and 1 teacher left around me. Now this teacher I've always thought of as pretty damn cool, and no matter how much I tell my friends I hate him for various reasons, I can't deny he's an alright guy. So having him there as the only other person who spoke english didn't really help. Let me explain, it's hard having people there to watch you fail, but when it's people you want respect from, it's so much harder. So I struck up conversation with Maria. Anything to dissuade him from giving me demeaning appraisal. I made it down the slope about 10 minutes after everyone else(no joke) and I was completely humiliated. Luckily most people were engaged in conversation and were unaware of what they'd been waiting for. I thanked Maria so much for helping me down that slope. But I never thanked the teacher. I guess my pride prevented me from it. But on some levels I wish I had. He didn't desert me like the others, no matter how much he wanted to bomb down the slope. And he never made fun of me, which is surprising for him.

I know it sounds petty that this day could bother me so much, but I was so embarrassed that that teacher had seen me ski so badly. And maybe I shouldn't be. But it will still always bug me, that even though I thought I was a good first time skier. In truth, I honestly sucked. And maybe I needed to be brought down from my high horse.

No Patterns, No Rules.

Why do I analyze every little thing that happens around me? I try to give a rational reason for everything. Relationships, fall outs, arguments, friendships, love, hate. I spend so much time trying to make things fit into categories that I miss out on the fun stuff when it doesn't fit. Trying so hard to get inside people's heads can exhaust the hell out of you. And I know first hand. I see people as set objects, like robots. Programmed to follow certain guidelines, certain rules. When really, everyone is their own person. No matter how much I try to box them into little groups of similarity, no one will ever be the same as anyone else. I've spent days going over parts of my life, trying to find a reason for why I did something, or why something happened. When really, most of the time, there is no written reason, no true meaning printed somewhere in a book giving me an answer to why I made that decision. It did it because I did. That's the best, most honest answer I could ever give. Something happens because someone makes a decision to do something or say something. There are no patterns, no rules. Sometimes you just gotta accept that.

The Right Choice

The Right Choice

The right choice

What is that?

Just something you must make

Out of what? I ask

Plastic, or clay?

Sometimes it's hard

To see the right choice

Blinded by pride

Or sadness perhaps

If we must we must

But I ask you

Only one thing

Should we be forced

To choose our own hell?