My Shell Of Normal

Well I have't spoken in a while. No, I didn't take a vow of silence, surprisingly, I've had very little to write about. In fact I find it hard to imagine how I came up with the last 50 posts.

I've noticed recently that I've been out of the loop on several occasions. Sometimes because people presume I know everything thats happening. I will point out that calling me on the night of the event to ask if I'm coming is probably a bit late. Generally I'll know somethings happening, but I refuse to go until someone mentions it to me personally.

When I was younger I wasn't in with a crowd. I knew everyone and talked to no one. It made things easier. But getting used to being in a group these days is still something I struggle with. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. There is not a single human being in existence that I feel completely comfortable with, who really knows who I am. I have to pretend to be interested in things I couldn't care less about, but that the whole worlds talking about.

What hurts the most though is knowing that every single time I've tried being myself around people, it's been thrown back in my face. Whether it be a simple, "Why would you think that?" to an "Oh my god this is so rubbish, why would you like it". So I hide in myself, and put up a shell that others perceive to be normal, and hope that soon I'll be able to be myself for good.

Childish Excitement

I laugh at how childish people become when it gets within the vicinity of their birthday. Mine happens to be in 11 days, and as with everyone else, I am childishly excited. And as my friends will tell you, I will not stop talking about it. For me the idea of getting a present is the best thing ever. Because it proves just how much people know you, and just how much they care.

When I was a little girl, I would stay up late, very late, and wait for my parents to quietly tip toe upstairs and lay my presents at the foot of my bed. I'm sure they knew I was awake, but never let on. I'd wait for another 10 minutes, wriggling in anticipation at ripping through the paper and gazing at what they'd got me. And then I'd shrug off my duvet at race to the end of the bed and grap at the closest paper wrapped item.

These days I guess you could say the novelty has worn off. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. For one, I get a good nights sleep on my birthday eve. But also, one of the best feelings I've only recently discovered in the last few years, is waking up on your birthday, slowing coming back into consciousness, and suddenly having a light bulb go off in your head saying "Oh my god, it's my birthday!". I cherish opening my presents now. First opening the card to build up the suspense, and then slowly peeling back each folded piece of the wrapping, until the present lies flat on the bed on paper in my lap.

If I'm honest, I'm very impatient, and for me 11 days is too long, but I know I have to wait. But just so you know. I will be (very sadly) counting down the days one by one.

Renewed Confidence

Over the last few days I've discovered a confidence I never thought I had. The simplest things can make the biggest difference. New clothes, new freedom, new friends, and a change of scenery. You get a comforting feeling inside you, telling you it's ok to be you. Who cares if people judge you, because the people who like you for what you are the ones who are important. Starting fresh has been a lot easier than I thought. New people don't know your past. You can be whoever you want to be. Re-invent yourself completely. And for once I can be who I want to be. No more lying to fit in, no more saying I don't like things, just to conform. I am my own person. I'm me and I'm proud to be me!

Take A Step Back

Sometimes all you want to be able to do is skip forward a few months. Escape everything being thrown at you and just see blank. Often the things you're running from are new and unexpected, but sometimes they're the things you've held dear for so long. I find I no longer get the appreciation from those I did. And the people who I used to see so often, have found replacements for me the minute I'm out of reach.

The relationships that form behind your back can often be the hardest to except. Maybe because you never see them coming, or maybe because you never got a chance to step in. But the worst thing is knowing that any negative input, no matter how small, could result in you being on the other side of the wall.

As you get older it gets easier to a accept, but no one's immune to jealousy. Seeing you no longer belong in someone's picture can be hard to get over but you have to remember that you aren't the only person in their life, and they aren't the only one in yours.

Having someone mean the world to you is fine. But you can't let it rule your life. Taking a step back allows you to see other people in a different way. They may be closer to you than you thought. Mainly because you were so consumed with that one person that your mind failed to register the existence of anyone else.

Over the last couple of years the people around me have changed significantly. I've gained new friendships and some people who I thought I'd never forget, have just faded away. Meeting new people isn't a bad thing, but never forget the people that mean the most to you. Because at the end of it all. They're the ones that will be there to catch you when no one else will.

My America Playlist

I was in America for 3 weeks this summer and listened to New England's WHOM Radio 94.9 pretty much the whole time I was there. It has the best playlist ever. Though I will admit, I was able to name a movie soundtrack that nearly every song was in. Anyhow, here's the playlist of a few of my favourites...

Suz's America Playlist

And if you don't have Spotify yet, get it, 'cause you need it!

New Pen!

Why is it so amazing to buy a new pen? It may just me, in which case you may as well stop reading this as you will think I'm unbelievably sad. But yes, I get extremely excited when I buy a new pen. I get home and immediately rip it out of it's packaging. And then I have quite the dilemma. Because I want to use it straight away, unfortunately I never have anything that needs writing at that moment. So I end up doodling all over the back of the cardboard packing it came in until you can no longer read the multi-lingo info on it. Which actually uses up about half the ink in the pen so defeats the point of buying the new pen in the first place!

Truly Missed

R.I.P Jess

xxx

I will always be thinking of you

xxx

11.05.1993 - 24.07.2009

Brought Down From My High Horse

I've replayed the day over and over in my head. Trying so hard to make myself forget. But no matter how much I want to leave the memory behind, I can't stop thinking about it. The majority of my memories are for me, embarrassing, in that I was embarrassed when they happened. So I'm hoping that by writing this all down it will get it out of my head.

It was a few months back. I went skiing for the first time on a school trip. 5 days in Austria. The first 4 days were amazing. From my first baby slope, advancing up with the group to do blue runs. I was one of 4 girls in a group of about 10 people. All beginners. Although most were a bit apprehensive about going down a proper run, I was so excited. Speed has always been my weakness. I like going fast, whether it be sprinting, cycling, driving or skiing. My confidence helped me to improve faster than some of the other girls but I stayed near the back of the group to help my friend when ever she fell (Which was a lot). As the 5th day came to a close I was on cloud nine, so happy with the progress I'd made during the week. The beginners and intermediate groups had joined together for one last run down the mountain, a red run. My group hadn't done a red run yet so our teacher Maria chose only the people she thought were ready. Luckily I got chosen, but I was a bit nervous as it was a lot steeper than the blue runs we'd been doing. My friend I'd been helping wasn't chosen, so I had no one to go down with. We left the others, and set off down the slope. The higher group shot down the first part and were quickly out of site. I should point out that with all my confidence in the last 4 days, came a lot of crashes, and in a lot of them I would lose a ski. I'm not talking about it just popping off, I'm talking about losing it 200ft down the slope. And ever single time I had to walk down to get it. So yes I was helping my friend at the back, but it was also a safety precaution. I'd wait for everyone else to shoot off, and then go, to avoid harming others. So while going down the red slope, I was sort of cautious, ok, i was very cautious. I figured, if my ski flew 200ft down a blue run, it would go a lot of further down a red. So I wanted to avoid any crashes, which meant hammering down on speed, and over turning every turn, so I would go slightly back up the slope, to slow down. So you can guess what happened. I looked up 2 minutes down the slope, and there were no students in site. Not to say there wasn't anyone around. I was surrounded by Maria and about 4 teachers. There is nothing worse, than having 4 teachers all telling you you're doing so well, and to keep going, when you can tell all they want to be doing is bombing down the slope with the rest of the students. So hiding my shame, I kept going, concentrating on the task at hand and not making eye contact with anyone. My assumptions were correct and within a few minutes there was only Maria and 1 teacher left around me. Now this teacher I've always thought of as pretty damn cool, and no matter how much I tell my friends I hate him for various reasons, I can't deny he's an alright guy. So having him there as the only other person who spoke english didn't really help. Let me explain, it's hard having people there to watch you fail, but when it's people you want respect from, it's so much harder. So I struck up conversation with Maria. Anything to dissuade him from giving me demeaning appraisal. I made it down the slope about 10 minutes after everyone else(no joke) and I was completely humiliated. Luckily most people were engaged in conversation and were unaware of what they'd been waiting for. I thanked Maria so much for helping me down that slope. But I never thanked the teacher. I guess my pride prevented me from it. But on some levels I wish I had. He didn't desert me like the others, no matter how much he wanted to bomb down the slope. And he never made fun of me, which is surprising for him.

I know it sounds petty that this day could bother me so much, but I was so embarrassed that that teacher had seen me ski so badly. And maybe I shouldn't be. But it will still always bug me, that even though I thought I was a good first time skier. In truth, I honestly sucked. And maybe I needed to be brought down from my high horse.

No Patterns, No Rules.

Why do I analyze every little thing that happens around me? I try to give a rational reason for everything. Relationships, fall outs, arguments, friendships, love, hate. I spend so much time trying to make things fit into categories that I miss out on the fun stuff when it doesn't fit. Trying so hard to get inside people's heads can exhaust the hell out of you. And I know first hand. I see people as set objects, like robots. Programmed to follow certain guidelines, certain rules. When really, everyone is their own person. No matter how much I try to box them into little groups of similarity, no one will ever be the same as anyone else. I've spent days going over parts of my life, trying to find a reason for why I did something, or why something happened. When really, most of the time, there is no written reason, no true meaning printed somewhere in a book giving me an answer to why I made that decision. It did it because I did. That's the best, most honest answer I could ever give. Something happens because someone makes a decision to do something or say something. There are no patterns, no rules. Sometimes you just gotta accept that.

The Right Choice

The Right Choice

The right choice

What is that?

Just something you must make

Out of what? I ask

Plastic, or clay?

Sometimes it's hard

To see the right choice

Blinded by pride

Or sadness perhaps

If we must we must

But I ask you

Only one thing

Should we be forced

To choose our own hell?