Sunday, 25 April 2010


Late night post? Me thinks so.
So recently I've noticed that I'm not where I thought I was in the grand scheme of things. Everything I thought was there, is turning out to be merely my imagination playing the good life. Putting ideas in my head that simply aren't true.

I can clearly see now that relationships I thought I had with people really weren't there to begin with, and I probably acted like a right twit thinking they were. On the other side of things, relationships between others have become strong out of no where, or rather, I've finally noted their existence. The truth of how things really are has been a bit of a shock for me, because now I have to re evaluate everything I know. Everything I think to be true could or could not be correct.

Trust for one thing. Of people trusting me. I always said I was the one people could turn to if they needed to talk. Someone who can't judge, can't hate and won't tell a soul. But now it seems I'm left wondering a lot. Whenever I inquire as to the reason for the bubble against all secrets which apparently I'm in, I get the immediate remarks of "It doesn't matter" "Never mind" "You won't know them" "You won't understand" "Its over now, so it doesn't matter". If all these things were true, then why are you still telling someone else? I'm fed up of being the one left out in the cold. Who put me in this bubble? Cause they forgot to fit it with an emergency exit.

College for me has been like being a kid being told there's no santa claus. You build up all your hopes, just to have everything swept away in a single blow. I always thought I was kind of clever. Not a genius I know, but I always figured I'd be able to come out of college with some good grades. Now, with my whole re evaluating extravaganza, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not that bright. My January exam results showed that. And now I have to realise that whilst looking at all these amazing places going by the name of universities, I may never actually get into one. All I dreamed of, hoped for, thought about for the last 10 years may forever be a dream. One that's completely out of reach.

I will also mention that I think I may be making a doctors appointment soon to see if I need anti-depressants. I'm not suicidal, and I don't think the world is out to get me. But recently everything that happens seems to have me on the verge of bawling my eyes out. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything, and it's getting harder to hide from people. Whats odd is I know I shouldn't be upset about the things which are making me upset. I can rationally think that I should be reacting differently, but for some reason my emotions have gone into overdrive and have decided tears and fears are on the agenda. So we'll see how that gets on. If it turns out I'm fine, then maybe it's just the case of me not having as much inner strength as I thought I had. Maybe I'm just weak on the inside, I just figured I was made of something stronger. I hoped I was. I hope I am.

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