Take A Step Back

Sometimes all you want to be able to do is skip forward a few months. Escape everything being thrown at you and just see blank. Often the things you're running from are new and unexpected, but sometimes they're the things you've held dear for so long. I find I no longer get the appreciation from those I did. And the people who I used to see so often, have found replacements for me the minute I'm out of reach.

The relationships that form behind your back can often be the hardest to except. Maybe because you never see them coming, or maybe because you never got a chance to step in. But the worst thing is knowing that any negative input, no matter how small, could result in you being on the other side of the wall.

As you get older it gets easier to a accept, but no one's immune to jealousy. Seeing you no longer belong in someone's picture can be hard to get over but you have to remember that you aren't the only person in their life, and they aren't the only one in yours.

Having someone mean the world to you is fine. But you can't let it rule your life. Taking a step back allows you to see other people in a different way. They may be closer to you than you thought. Mainly because you were so consumed with that one person that your mind failed to register the existence of anyone else.

Over the last couple of years the people around me have changed significantly. I've gained new friendships and some people who I thought I'd never forget, have just faded away. Meeting new people isn't a bad thing, but never forget the people that mean the most to you. Because at the end of it all. They're the ones that will be there to catch you when no one else will.

My America Playlist

I was in America for 3 weeks this summer and listened to New England's WHOM Radio 94.9 pretty much the whole time I was there. It has the best playlist ever. Though I will admit, I was able to name a movie soundtrack that nearly every song was in. Anyhow, here's the playlist of a few of my favourites...

Suz's America Playlist

And if you don't have Spotify yet, get it, 'cause you need it!

New Pen!

Why is it so amazing to buy a new pen? It may just me, in which case you may as well stop reading this as you will think I'm unbelievably sad. But yes, I get extremely excited when I buy a new pen. I get home and immediately rip it out of it's packaging. And then I have quite the dilemma. Because I want to use it straight away, unfortunately I never have anything that needs writing at that moment. So I end up doodling all over the back of the cardboard packing it came in until you can no longer read the multi-lingo info on it. Which actually uses up about half the ink in the pen so defeats the point of buying the new pen in the first place!

Truly Missed

R.I.P Jess

xxx

I will always be thinking of you

xxx

11.05.1993 - 24.07.2009

Brought Down From My High Horse

I've replayed the day over and over in my head. Trying so hard to make myself forget. But no matter how much I want to leave the memory behind, I can't stop thinking about it. The majority of my memories are for me, embarrassing, in that I was embarrassed when they happened. So I'm hoping that by writing this all down it will get it out of my head.

It was a few months back. I went skiing for the first time on a school trip. 5 days in Austria. The first 4 days were amazing. From my first baby slope, advancing up with the group to do blue runs. I was one of 4 girls in a group of about 10 people. All beginners. Although most were a bit apprehensive about going down a proper run, I was so excited. Speed has always been my weakness. I like going fast, whether it be sprinting, cycling, driving or skiing. My confidence helped me to improve faster than some of the other girls but I stayed near the back of the group to help my friend when ever she fell (Which was a lot). As the 5th day came to a close I was on cloud nine, so happy with the progress I'd made during the week. The beginners and intermediate groups had joined together for one last run down the mountain, a red run. My group hadn't done a red run yet so our teacher Maria chose only the people she thought were ready. Luckily I got chosen, but I was a bit nervous as it was a lot steeper than the blue runs we'd been doing. My friend I'd been helping wasn't chosen, so I had no one to go down with. We left the others, and set off down the slope. The higher group shot down the first part and were quickly out of site. I should point out that with all my confidence in the last 4 days, came a lot of crashes, and in a lot of them I would lose a ski. I'm not talking about it just popping off, I'm talking about losing it 200ft down the slope. And ever single time I had to walk down to get it. So yes I was helping my friend at the back, but it was also a safety precaution. I'd wait for everyone else to shoot off, and then go, to avoid harming others. So while going down the red slope, I was sort of cautious, ok, i was very cautious. I figured, if my ski flew 200ft down a blue run, it would go a lot of further down a red. So I wanted to avoid any crashes, which meant hammering down on speed, and over turning every turn, so I would go slightly back up the slope, to slow down. So you can guess what happened. I looked up 2 minutes down the slope, and there were no students in site. Not to say there wasn't anyone around. I was surrounded by Maria and about 4 teachers. There is nothing worse, than having 4 teachers all telling you you're doing so well, and to keep going, when you can tell all they want to be doing is bombing down the slope with the rest of the students. So hiding my shame, I kept going, concentrating on the task at hand and not making eye contact with anyone. My assumptions were correct and within a few minutes there was only Maria and 1 teacher left around me. Now this teacher I've always thought of as pretty damn cool, and no matter how much I tell my friends I hate him for various reasons, I can't deny he's an alright guy. So having him there as the only other person who spoke english didn't really help. Let me explain, it's hard having people there to watch you fail, but when it's people you want respect from, it's so much harder. So I struck up conversation with Maria. Anything to dissuade him from giving me demeaning appraisal. I made it down the slope about 10 minutes after everyone else(no joke) and I was completely humiliated. Luckily most people were engaged in conversation and were unaware of what they'd been waiting for. I thanked Maria so much for helping me down that slope. But I never thanked the teacher. I guess my pride prevented me from it. But on some levels I wish I had. He didn't desert me like the others, no matter how much he wanted to bomb down the slope. And he never made fun of me, which is surprising for him.

I know it sounds petty that this day could bother me so much, but I was so embarrassed that that teacher had seen me ski so badly. And maybe I shouldn't be. But it will still always bug me, that even though I thought I was a good first time skier. In truth, I honestly sucked. And maybe I needed to be brought down from my high horse.

No Patterns, No Rules.

Why do I analyze every little thing that happens around me? I try to give a rational reason for everything. Relationships, fall outs, arguments, friendships, love, hate. I spend so much time trying to make things fit into categories that I miss out on the fun stuff when it doesn't fit. Trying so hard to get inside people's heads can exhaust the hell out of you. And I know first hand. I see people as set objects, like robots. Programmed to follow certain guidelines, certain rules. When really, everyone is their own person. No matter how much I try to box them into little groups of similarity, no one will ever be the same as anyone else. I've spent days going over parts of my life, trying to find a reason for why I did something, or why something happened. When really, most of the time, there is no written reason, no true meaning printed somewhere in a book giving me an answer to why I made that decision. It did it because I did. That's the best, most honest answer I could ever give. Something happens because someone makes a decision to do something or say something. There are no patterns, no rules. Sometimes you just gotta accept that.

The Right Choice

The Right Choice

The right choice

What is that?

Just something you must make

Out of what? I ask

Plastic, or clay?

Sometimes it's hard

To see the right choice

Blinded by pride

Or sadness perhaps

If we must we must

But I ask you

Only one thing

Should we be forced

To choose our own hell?

Too Many Questions?

What happens when the last human dies? I know it sounds very depressing but I lay awake last night for like an hour thinking about it. It feels odd to think of all the planets orbiting the sun and nothing being there to witness it. Does something exist if no one's there to know it exists. The world will go on turning, the rain will keep falling and the grass will keep growing. But there'll be no one there to witness it. If we have an ice age, will people survive it? I may invest in a lot of wooly jumpers just in case. Is there life in another universe? I mean we are the only known life in this little piece of space, our own little universe, in our own little galaxy. But what about all the other galaxies. Are there worlds out there just like ours? Another earth. With countries, weather, people. Living under a different sun. With different schools and jobs and architecture. An earth with a different history? Who knows what happened in their past. Did they have kings? Or wars? How do they speak? And is there third world countries? I may ask too many questions. But it fascinates me just how little we know about what's out there. It's nice to know that all those dots in the sky, aren't just dots. They're a sign of hope, a hope that maybe, just maybe, life exists somewhere out there.

Everyone Meet Marble

Well havn't spoken in a while. Getting my fair share of lay ins and late nights. More than my fair share if I'm honest.

I've been up to a lot of thinking as well. About people, mainly the ones around me. There's been a lot of private drama going round and I seem to be stuck in all of it. Don't get me wrong, I'm only nosy when I have to be. But a lot of stuff has just happened at once and people seem to like talking to me about it. Which is good. Cause it keeps me up to date and it helps me know my friends better. But I'm only human like the rest of us, there's only so much I can take in. So in my view everyone should have their own way of dealing with life and everything it throws at you. Let me introduce you to my marble:

Now this spherical piece of glass has got me through some tough times. It helps me think and calms me down. People who knew me 5 years ago will know what I'm talking about when I say I can be one hell of a pain in the ass. I don't know when to stop but I never mean to hurt people. So this marble takes it out of me. Everything that bugs me or worries me goes into this thing. And I feel ok again. Some days I feel like beating on something, others I get so fidgety, nothing will make me stay still. When this happens, I sit and I hold my marble. Throw it around, do a few tricks. Just something about it that gets me and my thoughts back on track.

I just hope everyone has something like my marble to help them think straight. Sure can be a lot of help.

No More Repeats

I need sleep so badly. 2 weeks of late nights, hours upon hours of revising, and early morning wake up calls. I'm grumpy, snappy, I can't seem to get on with anyone. I hate it. It's like I'm not me. Like something is leaching from my body. All my energy, my inner strength, is gone. My thoughts are slowly returning to me and for that I'm grateful. But it's like a child took me apart, stuck me back together again in the wrong order, and was left with a screw that just didn't seem to fit anywhere, when really it holds all of me together. I don't want to talk, I don't want to eat. All I can think about is how amazing this summer is going to be. Well, what it might be if I can pull myself together. I want to enjoy this summer for myself. I want to make time for my friends, not just have it readily available, I want to get things done, not leave a day without a purpose. What's more. I want to meet someone. Not in the romantic, destiny kind of way. I just want to meet someone new. The world around me at the moment is like a movie I've watched too many times. Everything's the same. Like a song on repeat. The lyrics get all too familiar. You know what they're going to say, but you dare yourself not to say it, hoping without reason that it might be different this time. I want to make something of this year. No more repeats.