Reevaluating

Late night post? Me thinks so.
So recently I've noticed that I'm not where I thought I was in the grand scheme of things. Everything I thought was there, is turning out to be merely my imagination playing the good life. Putting ideas in my head that simply aren't true.

I can clearly see now that relationships I thought I had with people really weren't there to begin with, and I probably acted like a right twit thinking they were. On the other side of things, relationships between others have become strong out of no where, or rather, I've finally noted their existence. The truth of how things really are has been a bit of a shock for me, because now I have to re evaluate everything I know. Everything I think to be true could or could not be correct.

Trust for one thing. Of people trusting me. I always said I was the one people could turn to if they needed to talk. Someone who can't judge, can't hate and won't tell a soul. But now it seems I'm left wondering a lot. Whenever I inquire as to the reason for the bubble against all secrets which apparently I'm in, I get the immediate remarks of "It doesn't matter" "Never mind" "You won't know them" "You won't understand" "Its over now, so it doesn't matter". If all these things were true, then why are you still telling someone else? I'm fed up of being the one left out in the cold. Who put me in this bubble? Cause they forgot to fit it with an emergency exit.

College for me has been like being a kid being told there's no santa claus. You build up all your hopes, just to have everything swept away in a single blow. I always thought I was kind of clever. Not a genius I know, but I always figured I'd be able to come out of college with some good grades. Now, with my whole re evaluating extravaganza, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not that bright. My January exam results showed that. And now I have to realise that whilst looking at all these amazing places going by the name of universities, I may never actually get into one. All I dreamed of, hoped for, thought about for the last 10 years may forever be a dream. One that's completely out of reach.

I will also mention that I think I may be making a doctors appointment soon to see if I need anti-depressants. I'm not suicidal, and I don't think the world is out to get me. But recently everything that happens seems to have me on the verge of bawling my eyes out. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything, and it's getting harder to hide from people. Whats odd is I know I shouldn't be upset about the things which are making me upset. I can rationally think that I should be reacting differently, but for some reason my emotions have gone into overdrive and have decided tears and fears are on the agenda. So we'll see how that gets on. If it turns out I'm fine, then maybe it's just the case of me not having as much inner strength as I thought I had. Maybe I'm just weak on the inside, I just figured I was made of something stronger. I hoped I was. I hope I am.

Shrine Post: Darius Rucker

Absolutely love this man. Darius Rucker is an american country singer from South Carolina. Originally lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish for all you oldies.
Classic country voice that I could, and do, listen to all day. His songs have so much meaning and personal story behind them. His solo career success really gives light on just how likeable his music is. If you like country music then seriously listen to him, you won't regret it :)

Check him out here:      Itunes         Spotify

Just gave blood for the first time! Was a bit nervous when I went in but everyone was so nice! Got settled on my bed fine and turns out I have awesome veins. Always good to know. Can't say everything went to plan. Had a little run in with shock. It happened right at the end of the donation. Was nearly done and I started feeling really hot, like the bed was on fire. And was suddenly really nauseous. Told the nurse and within seconds I had a screen and 3 nurses surrounding me. The needle came out and I was on my side before I knew it. I decided I had to write a note to say how amazing the nurses were today. One held a cool towel to my head until my temperature got back to normal, another kept talking to me and another held my feet up to get the blood back to my head. It was all over as quickly as it started. Apparently I wasn't the only one in trouble. The screen went up before I could see but the nurses say the boy next to me was there for the first time and he fainted, fitted and blood shot out of his arm. I'm glad that screen was up, not sure that would of helped with my stomach. But seriously, the nurses were so amazing today, even after the whole palaver they stood by my bed and made sure I was ok before even letting me sit up. Today could of been a really bad experience for me and could of put me off donating again. But instead, it's had the opposite effect. I had a really great day today,  I never stopped smiling, and I'm booked in for my next donation in 3 months time.
So thank you to Jo, Julia and Karen for looking after me, you'll never know how much of a difference you made.

xxx

You know that feeling you get on christmas eve, or the night before your birthday. It keeps you up till all hours and manages to wake you from your sleepy state early in the morning. Well truth be told I had that feeling this morning. I woke up at 5am,7am and 8am. My alarm was set for 8.45 but for some reason I didn't mind waking up at 8. I was wide awake, despite going to bed late, and I was excited for the day. Yet I had nothing to look forward to. So I spent the day in a state of anticipation that never went away. It was awesome, but I still have no reason for why it happened. I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved. Was a nice change though :)

My Shell Of Normal

Well I have't spoken in a while. No, I didn't take a vow of silence, surprisingly, I've had very little to write about. In fact I find it hard to imagine how I came up with the last 50 posts.

I've noticed recently that I've been out of the loop on several occasions. Sometimes because people presume I know everything thats happening. I will point out that calling me on the night of the event to ask if I'm coming is probably a bit late. Generally I'll know somethings happening, but I refuse to go until someone mentions it to me personally.

When I was younger I wasn't in with a crowd. I knew everyone and talked to no one. It made things easier. But getting used to being in a group these days is still something I struggle with. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. There is not a single human being in existence that I feel completely comfortable with, who really knows who I am. I have to pretend to be interested in things I couldn't care less about, but that the whole worlds talking about.

What hurts the most though is knowing that every single time I've tried being myself around people, it's been thrown back in my face. Whether it be a simple, "Why would you think that?" to an "Oh my god this is so rubbish, why would you like it". So I hide in myself, and put up a shell that others perceive to be normal, and hope that soon I'll be able to be myself for good.

Childish Excitement

I laugh at how childish people become when it gets within the vicinity of their birthday. Mine happens to be in 11 days, and as with everyone else, I am childishly excited. And as my friends will tell you, I will not stop talking about it. For me the idea of getting a present is the best thing ever. Because it proves just how much people know you, and just how much they care.

When I was a little girl, I would stay up late, very late, and wait for my parents to quietly tip toe upstairs and lay my presents at the foot of my bed. I'm sure they knew I was awake, but never let on. I'd wait for another 10 minutes, wriggling in anticipation at ripping through the paper and gazing at what they'd got me. And then I'd shrug off my duvet at race to the end of the bed and grap at the closest paper wrapped item.

These days I guess you could say the novelty has worn off. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. For one, I get a good nights sleep on my birthday eve. But also, one of the best feelings I've only recently discovered in the last few years, is waking up on your birthday, slowing coming back into consciousness, and suddenly having a light bulb go off in your head saying "Oh my god, it's my birthday!". I cherish opening my presents now. First opening the card to build up the suspense, and then slowly peeling back each folded piece of the wrapping, until the present lies flat on the bed on paper in my lap.

If I'm honest, I'm very impatient, and for me 11 days is too long, but I know I have to wait. But just so you know. I will be (very sadly) counting down the days one by one.

Renewed Confidence

Over the last few days I've discovered a confidence I never thought I had. The simplest things can make the biggest difference. New clothes, new freedom, new friends, and a change of scenery. You get a comforting feeling inside you, telling you it's ok to be you. Who cares if people judge you, because the people who like you for what you are the ones who are important. Starting fresh has been a lot easier than I thought. New people don't know your past. You can be whoever you want to be. Re-invent yourself completely. And for once I can be who I want to be. No more lying to fit in, no more saying I don't like things, just to conform. I am my own person. I'm me and I'm proud to be me!

Take A Step Back

Sometimes all you want to be able to do is skip forward a few months. Escape everything being thrown at you and just see blank. Often the things you're running from are new and unexpected, but sometimes they're the things you've held dear for so long. I find I no longer get the appreciation from those I did. And the people who I used to see so often, have found replacements for me the minute I'm out of reach.

The relationships that form behind your back can often be the hardest to except. Maybe because you never see them coming, or maybe because you never got a chance to step in. But the worst thing is knowing that any negative input, no matter how small, could result in you being on the other side of the wall.

As you get older it gets easier to a accept, but no one's immune to jealousy. Seeing you no longer belong in someone's picture can be hard to get over but you have to remember that you aren't the only person in their life, and they aren't the only one in yours.

Having someone mean the world to you is fine. But you can't let it rule your life. Taking a step back allows you to see other people in a different way. They may be closer to you than you thought. Mainly because you were so consumed with that one person that your mind failed to register the existence of anyone else.

Over the last couple of years the people around me have changed significantly. I've gained new friendships and some people who I thought I'd never forget, have just faded away. Meeting new people isn't a bad thing, but never forget the people that mean the most to you. Because at the end of it all. They're the ones that will be there to catch you when no one else will.

My America Playlist

I was in America for 3 weeks this summer and listened to New England's WHOM Radio 94.9 pretty much the whole time I was there. It has the best playlist ever. Though I will admit, I was able to name a movie soundtrack that nearly every song was in. Anyhow, here's the playlist of a few of my favourites...

Suz's America Playlist

And if you don't have Spotify yet, get it, 'cause you need it!

New Pen!

Why is it so amazing to buy a new pen? It may just me, in which case you may as well stop reading this as you will think I'm unbelievably sad. But yes, I get extremely excited when I buy a new pen. I get home and immediately rip it out of it's packaging. And then I have quite the dilemma. Because I want to use it straight away, unfortunately I never have anything that needs writing at that moment. So I end up doodling all over the back of the cardboard packing it came in until you can no longer read the multi-lingo info on it. Which actually uses up about half the ink in the pen so defeats the point of buying the new pen in the first place!