Feng Shui? Maybe not...

So over the last couple weeks I've been having a massive clear out of the bedroom since I'm in the mood for a rearrange. That time of year again. weirdly enough it's 11 days till my birthday again. funny how I always post something on this day. So yes, in the mood for a change. Since my room is a cupboard, rearranging it can be quite difficult. Imagine tetris on a life size scale. My new design for the room will give me so much more floor space but it does mean I lose my corner shelves and wall shelves so therefore storage is decreasing. Hence the massive clear out. I always find that in the process of tidying a room you always end up with more mess than you began with. Maybe it's just me... Never realised how much stuff I had, and don't use. So boxes upon boxes are off to the charity shop. Might get some books while I'm there. Always find some good reads when I go :) At 70p a book who can say no.
College work seems to be building up on me. Managing to sort it out as it comes but what made me think the other day is that I couldn't of coped with this amount of work last year. There's no chance. But this year I'm doing so much more than I ever thought possible. I've got a little bit of pride for myself beaming inside me at the moment that's there because for once in my life I'm not copping out. I'm sticking at it because I finally have goals in life. I finally have an aim to work towards. I want to go to uni, I want to have a good job working with animals. To me that just seems perfect and I'm happy that it's somehow all sorted itself out in my head. Doing my ucas form has got me getting all nervous that maybe the universities won't think I'm good enough, that I haven't done enough in my life to warrant the opportunity. But when I think about studying zoology for 3 years straight, I can't help but smile, because although work has always scared me, I've realised it's because I was never happy in what I was studying. Except when I was in biology. I can't wait to start university. (even if the government decided to put a stop to my gap year!). Here's hoping my application gets accepted.
Anyhow, that's my rant done for tonight. Only 1 lesson tomorrow and then I'm finally getting a hair cut. Starting to look like Rapunzel at the moment!
Night x

Finally hit the refresh button

So yes. I've finally hit the refresh button. Half way through summer holidays and I've suddenly forgotten all the reasons for being annoyed or mad at people and can now see everyone as just people. It feels so good! I'm able to talk to people without trying to hide my emotions. I'm happy to be myself and I love this part of the year. I know that in a few months everything will be nagging my conscience again but for now I'm enjoying the refresh effect and smiling throughout the day :)
It's weird how a few weeks away from people can really clear you thoughts and put things in perspective. All the gossip that went around towards the end of first year, the opinions of people towards others, they're now just drops in the ocean. They don't bother me like they used to. You get to the point at the end of the college year and you start to believe everything anyone says, feel how other people feel,  and act like everybody else acts. Summer holidays is not just for getting a tan, but also for becoming yourself again. Realising that whatever went on in the last few months generally doesn't concern you, and if it does, then it probably wasn't as bigger deal as you originally thought. It's nice to be able to re-examine your life and realise it ain't that bad after all, and that instead of dwelling on the bad, you should cherish the good.

Dum de dum dum dum......
Soooooooo. I don't really know why I'm on here. Checking if peeps had written anything and decided my blog was a little on the old news side. So, new news hehe.
Lets see, in the last week of first year college now, summer holidays coming up, weather's sunny, just bought 2 snorg tshirts, haha hell yer I did! It's annoying that I want about half the snorg catalogue, and yet can only afford roughly 1% of it annually. Finally decided I need some clothes for summer so this is really the tip of one very pricy iceberg.
Had a good meeting today at college about this EP thing I'm doing, aka Extended Project. To sum up: 1 summer holiday= intensive research+2 subjects+5000 word essay+project log. Could my holiday sound any more fun! Planning on combining Biology and Chemistry to do a project on Great White Shark's sensory organs and their reliance of. Should be interesting.
Can't believe how fast 1 year has gone. Already half way through college. Started to plan and write my personal statement yesterday. Finally realising just how little I have to write in it. They really don't put enough emphasis on work experience in secondary school. 2 weeks, 2 weeks is all they ask us to do. That shows neither commitment or desire to work. They should of told us all to get summer jobs.
Oooo I must mention I passed my driving test the other week. 4 minors. Pretty happy chappy, can't lie. My licence came through the post at the weekend. Have to say, I wish the colours were the other way round. Pink for learner, green for pass, not the other way round. The pink has completely thrown off the feng shui of my wallet! Much prefer the green, just not the learner plates that go with it.
Well I'm outer things to say so to quote looney tunes. "Thats all folks"

Studying hard like usual...

1 Cracker, 1 Flick, 1 Mouth. Nuf said.

Your Winter-Sister Hazel (Cover)

Well I figured I haven't posted anything recently so I decided to sing a lil bit for ya. I apologise in advance for the poor show on the guitar. I taught my self and I've been practising before hand so my fingers were getting tired.(I know, excuses excuses.) Anyhow, enjoy... Oh and sorry for the sound, my mic is a tad lame

Reevaluating

Late night post? Me thinks so.
So recently I've noticed that I'm not where I thought I was in the grand scheme of things. Everything I thought was there, is turning out to be merely my imagination playing the good life. Putting ideas in my head that simply aren't true.

I can clearly see now that relationships I thought I had with people really weren't there to begin with, and I probably acted like a right twit thinking they were. On the other side of things, relationships between others have become strong out of no where, or rather, I've finally noted their existence. The truth of how things really are has been a bit of a shock for me, because now I have to re evaluate everything I know. Everything I think to be true could or could not be correct.

Trust for one thing. Of people trusting me. I always said I was the one people could turn to if they needed to talk. Someone who can't judge, can't hate and won't tell a soul. But now it seems I'm left wondering a lot. Whenever I inquire as to the reason for the bubble against all secrets which apparently I'm in, I get the immediate remarks of "It doesn't matter" "Never mind" "You won't know them" "You won't understand" "Its over now, so it doesn't matter". If all these things were true, then why are you still telling someone else? I'm fed up of being the one left out in the cold. Who put me in this bubble? Cause they forgot to fit it with an emergency exit.

College for me has been like being a kid being told there's no santa claus. You build up all your hopes, just to have everything swept away in a single blow. I always thought I was kind of clever. Not a genius I know, but I always figured I'd be able to come out of college with some good grades. Now, with my whole re evaluating extravaganza, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not that bright. My January exam results showed that. And now I have to realise that whilst looking at all these amazing places going by the name of universities, I may never actually get into one. All I dreamed of, hoped for, thought about for the last 10 years may forever be a dream. One that's completely out of reach.

I will also mention that I think I may be making a doctors appointment soon to see if I need anti-depressants. I'm not suicidal, and I don't think the world is out to get me. But recently everything that happens seems to have me on the verge of bawling my eyes out. And when I say everything, I literally mean everything, and it's getting harder to hide from people. Whats odd is I know I shouldn't be upset about the things which are making me upset. I can rationally think that I should be reacting differently, but for some reason my emotions have gone into overdrive and have decided tears and fears are on the agenda. So we'll see how that gets on. If it turns out I'm fine, then maybe it's just the case of me not having as much inner strength as I thought I had. Maybe I'm just weak on the inside, I just figured I was made of something stronger. I hoped I was. I hope I am.

Shrine Post: Darius Rucker

Absolutely love this man. Darius Rucker is an american country singer from South Carolina. Originally lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish for all you oldies.
Classic country voice that I could, and do, listen to all day. His songs have so much meaning and personal story behind them. His solo career success really gives light on just how likeable his music is. If you like country music then seriously listen to him, you won't regret it :)

Check him out here:      Itunes         Spotify

Just gave blood for the first time! Was a bit nervous when I went in but everyone was so nice! Got settled on my bed fine and turns out I have awesome veins. Always good to know. Can't say everything went to plan. Had a little run in with shock. It happened right at the end of the donation. Was nearly done and I started feeling really hot, like the bed was on fire. And was suddenly really nauseous. Told the nurse and within seconds I had a screen and 3 nurses surrounding me. The needle came out and I was on my side before I knew it. I decided I had to write a note to say how amazing the nurses were today. One held a cool towel to my head until my temperature got back to normal, another kept talking to me and another held my feet up to get the blood back to my head. It was all over as quickly as it started. Apparently I wasn't the only one in trouble. The screen went up before I could see but the nurses say the boy next to me was there for the first time and he fainted, fitted and blood shot out of his arm. I'm glad that screen was up, not sure that would of helped with my stomach. But seriously, the nurses were so amazing today, even after the whole palaver they stood by my bed and made sure I was ok before even letting me sit up. Today could of been a really bad experience for me and could of put me off donating again. But instead, it's had the opposite effect. I had a really great day today,  I never stopped smiling, and I'm booked in for my next donation in 3 months time.
So thank you to Jo, Julia and Karen for looking after me, you'll never know how much of a difference you made.

xxx

You know that feeling you get on christmas eve, or the night before your birthday. It keeps you up till all hours and manages to wake you from your sleepy state early in the morning. Well truth be told I had that feeling this morning. I woke up at 5am,7am and 8am. My alarm was set for 8.45 but for some reason I didn't mind waking up at 8. I was wide awake, despite going to bed late, and I was excited for the day. Yet I had nothing to look forward to. So I spent the day in a state of anticipation that never went away. It was awesome, but I still have no reason for why it happened. I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved. Was a nice change though :)

My Shell Of Normal

Well I have't spoken in a while. No, I didn't take a vow of silence, surprisingly, I've had very little to write about. In fact I find it hard to imagine how I came up with the last 50 posts.

I've noticed recently that I've been out of the loop on several occasions. Sometimes because people presume I know everything thats happening. I will point out that calling me on the night of the event to ask if I'm coming is probably a bit late. Generally I'll know somethings happening, but I refuse to go until someone mentions it to me personally.

When I was younger I wasn't in with a crowd. I knew everyone and talked to no one. It made things easier. But getting used to being in a group these days is still something I struggle with. Even though I'm surrounded by people, I still feel alone. There is not a single human being in existence that I feel completely comfortable with, who really knows who I am. I have to pretend to be interested in things I couldn't care less about, but that the whole worlds talking about.

What hurts the most though is knowing that every single time I've tried being myself around people, it's been thrown back in my face. Whether it be a simple, "Why would you think that?" to an "Oh my god this is so rubbish, why would you like it". So I hide in myself, and put up a shell that others perceive to be normal, and hope that soon I'll be able to be myself for good.